How does a highly emotional(ly intelligent) person also become a high performer?
There is a secret to being an emotional high performer.
But it takes research, it takes practice, it takes humility. I’ve gone back to re-examine my understanding of this secret over and over again for years and years now. I always find a new corner to discover.
Emotions are so pesky. They come up all the time. I have feelings of all kinds every day. Different people have different capacities to move through, past, or ignore different emotions. Many high performers set them aside. But that doesn’t work for all of us. Feelings have a way of taking over. They want my attention, my time. Sometimes I don’t want to give it. That never serves me though. Feelings drive us, but they also inhibit.
Years ago I was in the research project of what I was truly capable of. I was studying the arc of my own shame spirals, inspired by Brene Brown’s work. I was attending Harvard’s Coaching and Healthcare conference (such a cool conference by the way) and I had a couple of interactions that drove up my shame around being so young. I was probably one of the youngest people there. I felt like an imposter, no one wanted me there, was I kidding myself?
The walls started to close in on me. This was a big one. I could feel this was a 48 hour spiral. I wanted to go home and curl up under my blankets for a couple days filled with overwhelm and self pity even though I knew doing so would have me drowning in a sense of failure. Something clicked in. “Oh, this is shame! Time to do the thing.”
So I called up a friend (Megan ) and said,
“I’m in a huge shame spiral, can you help me out?”
“Of course!” She said.
We talked for a bit, she supported me. I landed back in myself and out of shame. I looked at the length of the call. It had taken 12 minutes.
12 minutes of support from a friend helped me move back to a grounded version of myself. That’s 240 times more efficient. That’s 24,000% more efficient.
I went back to the conference and had a great time. I would have missed out on all those new connections, learnings, and opportunities. The secret to high performance is all about critical awareness and a willingness to reach out for support.
I was talking with one of my mentees recently and she told me she had been in a triggered state a lot of the time for the last month.
“How much are you reaching out to your network for support?” I asked
“I haven’t been.” She told me.
There’s a reason. It isn’t easy. Admitting we can be a mess. Owning that we need support. Showing people our vulnerable underbelly can feel bad.
For many of us leaders, it’s alluring to try and look like we have our shit together for everyone. Every time I’ve up-leveled in my life it’s been in direct proportion to how much support I open myself to. How much I allow myself to receive has a direct impact on how much I’m capable of giving.
And for high performers, that can mean needing to receive a boatload of support! To give you a sense I have a long list of my support people. I pick people out of the list and just call when I’m being taken out by an emotion that is sidetracking me. Sometimes I go to that list 5 times a day when things are hard.
And for high performers, that can mean needing to receive a boatload of support! To give you a sense I have a long list of my support people. I pick people out of the list and just call when I’m being taken out by an emotion that is sidetracking me. Sometimes I go to that list 5 times a day when things are hard.
We are allowed to ask for help. We all need it. Especially if you care for others, hold lots of responsibility, have deadlines, or want to achieve a lot in a short period of time. Every year I re-examine my relationship to support and every year I find that I’ve left a gaping hole in an area of my life that needs more support than it’s getting.
It matters because we regulate at least 240 times faster with attuned connection than we can by ourselves so much of the time.
What’s your relationship to becoming aware that you need help and then asking for it?